I Am the Good Fairy

 

The phone rang. 

I answered.

"Do you have a minute", the voice asked me.

I answered yes as shook my head no, realizing this call would be over an hour & I really didn't have the time to spare.  

Then...in my mind I thought to myself "A minute? Actually I hope I have 30 to 40 more years!"

What is an hour here and there when you see 30-40 more years ahead.  

Suddenly I felt less crushed by time.  Of course I have time.  Time is all there is and until I die, I will have time here on Earth.

Perhaps when I'm too old to call upon for help - perhaps then I will have time for the things I need and want to do.  I will bloom and emerge as a rainbow after a storm, bright and colorful.  But then I will be too old to dance.  That's okay though.  There are plenty of dancers in the world making people happy as they perform.  Plenty of singers and painters and creators of everything.

Someday I'll have the voice to sing the songs I want to sing from my heart.  I'll dance from my soul and paint the sky as I fly on colorful wings. 

And I'll keep granting people's wishes.

Thoughts about Mothers Day

Mothers Day when I was a kid was always gloriously sunny and warm with birds singing and flowers all abloom.  All the mom's stood to get their flower or other gift during sacrament meeting.  I'd see them in the hall smiling at their flower saying how they didn't like all the fuss of mothers day and some even said they hated it but I could tell they liked the flowers.  I was always curious about that.

When I became a mom and stood to get my flower for the first time I remember feeling proud and thrilled at the new little baby that allowed me to stand with this new title and I did feel a little embarrassed about all the fuss too.  I heard ladies in the hall saying the very same things I heard ladies say when I was little.  Some felt guilty.  That's what women are good at.  We have the ideal woman in our minds eye and realize how far we fall short of it.  All the talks and poems and songs make us feel a little guilty as we realize that we still have some improvements to do.  

Some moms didn't like mothers day at all.  It made them sad because they missed their mom's who had passed on and others because they felt cheated as a kid because they had a bad mom.  Some women were sad because they never were able to be a mom and even though the gospel teaches us that this blessing will not be denied to any faithful daughter of God and that this life is just a mere pin dot of time on the long time line of eternity, the sadness is still real.

Moms do a lot!  We all know what they do. It can be said in one word.  Everything!  Moms get pulled in so many directions, they don't even know what direction they're going sometimes.  So if you think your mom seems a little crazy mixed up in the head sometimes, it's because she is -  sometimes - from being tossed around and half drowned on a sea of life that seems unending - sometimes.

Moms seem to like to worry too much.  Sometimes they are a basket case. They cry when they're happy, they cry when they're sad.  Look at your Mom's face to see if she is happy.  I loved Mom to be happy.  I try to remember that now.  Every child deserves a happy mom.  Moms worry because they love so much.  They feel their children's pain.  Children don't always know that their mom cries for them.  Women feel the pain of their friends.  They want to fix everything.  They plead with the Lord to take the pain away from those they love.  Moms would gladly bare the pain for loved ones if the Lord would allow it, but He in His greater & infinite wisdom knows the greater purposes behind suffering that are beyond our understanding.  So suffer they do.  They even weep for strangers whose sad stories are told in the news and they pray for the Lord to hurry and come and take away all the bad guys and wipe the tears from those who mourn.  Then there will be true joy,  It is hard to feel the full joy of joy when others around you are sorrowing.

One of my favorite Mother's day was in 1999 in the Lahaina Hawaii ward on Maui.  Br. Mathius was playing the prelude music and then came down and sat by us. Someone else in the ward played congregational hymns and someone else played postlude music.  The chorister noticed Chris because she could hear him sing.  She actually called upon Chris to sing a solo on verse two of the closing hymn!  The Bishop then took his lei off and gave it to Chris to give to me!  An old Hawaiian man with a thick pigeon accent gave the most sweet sincere closing prayer.  He prayed to Heavenly Father and said "On behalf of this congregation we ask thee to send our love to our mother in heaven and to send to her a very happy mothers day from all of us."

The Friend I Didn't Know

 I miss my friend.  I don't even know her but I saw her once in the Sun Valley Post Office.  I saw her on a train in Germany and once in a museum in Vienna.  She recognized me and I her even though we knew not each other.  Once she was in a painting from days long past.

It's funny how you feel that connection with some individuals.  I will think always of my friend until one day we meet again.  My friend is in my heart, in a deep place that tells me she is real and when we meet in the world to come we will remember all those moments we had together and rejoice in our reunion.

Bestifa's Garden

 My grandpa has a garden
filled with flowers oh so sweet!
He tends them with such loving care
and keeps them trimmed and neat.

His fence is lined with grape vines,
mint and parsley scent the trail.
He sends you home with vegetables
when er' you visit there.

Within this garden splendor just outside my grandpa's door,
Is a special wooden bird feeder we've all learned to adore.

He fills it with good cookin' scraps from pots and plates scraped clean,
And all the birds come flocking to this tender loving scene.

My grandpa plays harmonica.  We love to hear him play.
He makes it come alive in a merry music way!

His tunes are songs of gladness and we often sing along.
You cannot visit grandpa's house without a smile on.

My grandpa has a garden filled with PEOPLE oh so sweet!
He tends them with such loving care.  Grandpa is Our special treat!

But now, in heaven Grandpa's gone to live and all those folks above
Rejoiced with glee when grandpa came to feel again his love.

And oh the gardens he will grow and the music he will play
And people he will tend to in his very special way.

The Face on the Milkman

I remember that smile on the face of our milkman.         I remember his eyes.  They spoke.  They told me he loved his work.  He loved the people he served.  He felt good providing for others.  I felt happy when I saw his smile.

I remember a similar look was on the face of a the Wonder bread baker.  As a kindergarten class we excitedly boarded a small bus which took us to the Wonder bread factory! At the end of the tour that filled our minds with wonder over all that we had seen, a very kind man handed each of us, personally, a small miniature loaf of bread.  I was so excited because it was even in a little Wonder bread wrapper!  He didn't just tell us to take one, but he placed one in each of our hands.  Such a little thing, but it made it feel like a gift, which it was, and his smile and eyes told us that he loved his work.  He loved us children who came to visit and he loved providing for others.  I took my treasure home and wanted to eat it but wanted to save it forever.

Today I walked into an old country store (Lehman's Market) and there I saw it!!  Up high on the wall was an old poster of a milkman!  The face of that milkman smiled down at me from that old vintage poster, transporting me to a day and age I had nearly forgotten.

So where are we now?  Those faces, those eyes, those smiles from the past - when work was done out of love and with a feeling of service.  Men, women, moms, dads...the things they did made that piece of their world a better place for all.

How Grand the Picture of Life

 As I look out at the sparkling waters of the Strait of Juan de Fuca it is with awe that I realize that within and below that surface we can see with our eyes- is LIFE!  Lives of whales and octopus and a whole world of life of all sizes, even microscopic, going on right there.  We look at it but we can't see it; yet we know it is happening right there under the water.   

I look out over the seemingly silent landscape and realize that dotting that quiet view are countless lives noisily rushing about engaged in pursuits of their choosing - oblivious to their very purpose for being and living.  A whole world full of life.  I look out there; I can't see it with my eyes, yet I know it is happening.

I look up to the heavens, through the clouds, into the blue incomprehensible endlessness.  Out there are worlds without number. Worlds of lives going on, all numbered to God - and somewhere a kingdom from whence we came and to which we will return.  Worlds of lives going on.  I look up there; I can't see it, yet I know it is happening.

I look within and there is an eternal spirit stirring within a miraculous mortal body - designed by God - to live and reproduce and function and heal itself - all without our awareness.  Blood flows through our veins, heart beats, organs function, brain responds, stores, files and commands - all while we are busy with other things.*

Truly that is what God is all about - LIFE.  Life in the waters, the heavens, in the soil, the sea, the leaf and in our own veins.  Within us is a spirit that has been to another world!  And it will yet be to other worlds!

How grand is the picture of life.  The life that we see and know of and even the life going on that we can't see - yet we know it is happening, is only a tiny fragment of eternal reality!  What lies before us is awesome to ponder!

As I think of the world of lives going on, I think of an infinite atonement that was made on our world.  Other worlds must learn of our world and the great sacrifice that took place here.  How small the odds are that in the eternal spectrum of time, I should be or exist at the time of this world and with all those worlds, I should be on the very one in which the Savior lived.  That is awesome to ponder.

*Sleep is an odd thing when you think about it.  We shut ourselves down like turning off a computer and then lie there for hours, unproductive, like a run down battery that needs recharging, yet so many things go on inside of us while we sleep!  We are all pre-programmed and operational through our central intelligence.  It is miraculous what goes on; what really happens in us while we are sleeping!

When I was a little Girl

                                When I was a little girl...I dreamed.

As all little girls do, I dreamed of the day that I would be married and have children.  They used to ask us in school "What do you want to be when you grow up?"  Almost all the little girls would say a nurse.  There were a few who would be

teachers and usually one who would say something bizarre like a fire fighter.  That made all the little girl eyes open wide with shock and a look of "You're a girl! Girls aren't firefighters!"  But most the girls would say "A nurse, a nurse, a nurse."  I even said a nurse, although I didn't really know what I wanted to be but I did know I wanted to me a mom.  I believed most the girls that said a nurse, felt the same as I did.  It never occurred to any of us to say I don't know or admit that we just wanted to be a mom.  After all, it didn't really matter.  That was SOOO far in the future, it would never Really happen.  Today was going to last forever...when I was a little girl.

 

Time passed.  That day in the future was now today. I was 20 and kneeling at the alter in the temple, being sealed to my very best friend.  It was a most joyful time.  We went home to our own little apartment.  I felt like I was playing house with my best friend and that I would go home to Mom and Dad when day was done.  

Two years later our first child was born.  As I held her

in my arms I was filled with such awe.  I couldn't believe she was really ours.  I felt like she should be my Mom's baby, after all my little brother was only 4 years old.  Time had passed so quickly.  We were so young and I knew that someday we would have more children and grow old.  But that was SOOO far in the future, it would never Really happen.  Today was going to go on forever, and yet, a surge of shocking realization swept over me with that thought, as I now understood that forever came much sooner than I had ever imagined.

Time passed.  Now 20 years later, our first child is 18 and there are 5 younger children behind her.  So much has happened, so many experiences.  We are feeling the effects of being "ever so much more than 20" as granny Wendy would say in Peter Pan.  It seems time sweeps by right before our eyes now.  We don't have to wait for it to pass to realize how fast it went.

When I was a little girl, I remember riding in a car with my primary teacher.  I don't remember where we were going or anything we did, but I do remember a simple conversation we had that day in her car.  We were talking about God and

the Celestial Kingdom.  I said to her, how I wished I could go to the Celestial Kingdom but there was NOOO way I could ever get there.  You had to be perfect to get there.  I was smart enough to know that I could never be perfect.  I had tried so very hard on that day that my sins were washed away at baptism.  I felt so clean, so fresh, so perfect.  I never wanted to feel any other way and I was going to be perfect from that moment on.  But I slipped from perfection ever so much faster than I had planned.  I will always remember that day when my Primary teacher looked at me with surprise and concern at my expressions.  She lovingly said "Don't ever think like that.  Of course you can make it to the Celestial Kingdom.  Heavenly Father wants you to.  As long as that's what you really want and you are trying your very best, you will make it."  I will always remember that day in her car as I sat and contemplated her comment "Of course you can".  She really believed I could make it. And she said "Heavenly Father wants you to."  I had never really thought of that before.  If He really wanted me to and my teacher really believed I could make it then I really had hope of making it after all.  

I now spent much time thinking of that day in the future when Jesus would return to usher in the Millennium of peace and of the day when we can enter the Celestial Kingdom clean & sinless because of the atoning sacrifice of our Savior who also wants us to make it back.  I longed for that beautiful day, but when I was a little girl, that was Oh so far into the future, it would never really come.  Today would go on forever.

Now I know better of that future which causes "today" to be only a memory and that the words of the prophets "The day of the Lord is at hand" is true.  We do not have "forever" to plan for tomorrow.  We only have today, which goes away so quickly, it turns into tomorrow and forever right before our eyes.

The Day I Asked and the Day I Didn't Need To

 I was raised to believe in Santa Claus.  My Mom loves Santa, my Grandmother loved Santa.  It was magical!  I remember going outside to listen for his sleigh bells & I remember really hearing them one night!  It was so thrilling!  A rush!  But, as I matured, although still very young, I began to question.  I couldn't imagine how it could be true; flying reindeer, going down chimneys, holding presents for the whole world in a sleigh and delivering all in a night!  I thought long and hard and finally asked.  Mom didn't want to tell me.  She asked me "Do you really want to know?" and that in itself was the answer to me.  No he was not real.  But how did they know?  The same way that I did...it's just obvious.

I was raised to believe in Jesus.  My Mom loves Jesus, my Grandmother loved Jesus.  It was magical!  I remember feeling a special warm good love feeling when I did something good.  It was joy.  It was a hug from God.  As I matured, many around me began to question.  "How could someone from another planet be aware of me?"  "God doesn't listen or answer my questions so I don't believe."  I thought long and hard about their questions.  Something in me whispered that He does listen and He does answer, but He answers in ways that we don't always understand,  His perfect understanding of me, answers my prayers in ways that help me grow and get on his good list!  Our actions place us on his lists of naughty or nice.  I didn't ask if Jesus was real because I didn't need to, but if I had asked, Mom would have said "Yes.  Yes he is real.  Yes it is true. " How did she know.  The same way that I knew.  It was a truth felt deep inside.

In all my days, I've seen nothing but proof of his existence.  He is the Santa who can be all over the world in a night giving gifts that can't be wrapped or broken, only lost if not used.  He needs no chimneys to enter but he does need good hearts.  Our eyes can be deceived but not our hearts.  Someday He will come and we will know Him because He has always been with us.  We have felt Him.  It's just true.

She Never Sees Clouds

 

I and a couple others went with my friend, Joe Downing, to see and hear a beautiful pipe organ in a local church. Our footsteps and our every sound seemed to reverberate and fill the air.  Acoustics were grand in this room!  

As we walked up to the organ that Joe was going to play for us, an old blind lady greeted us.  She offered to play a hymn she wrote and we were delighted.  It was beautiful and the sound filled every particle of air and every cell in our bodies.

We marveled at the skill of this old blind lady and her smile as she chatted with us.  Her name was *Fanny Crosby and she loved to write hymns and play the organ.  She told us that she never see's clouds, just sunshine because the sunshine is inside of her.

Surely one who is blind is at a disadvantage to those who can see.  Yet she who has not eyes as a crutch can see a world which escapes the mind of those with sight.

It's like those who remain blind to the world of the wordless depth of soul.  They  are thought to be at life's loss - yet it is in that very weakness that the strength of inner swellings bursts forth in a brilliant world unknown to the minds of those who ramble on with endless words.

                                                ~~~~~~~~~~~

*A mystery to the fullest extent!  As I was taking this story from my journal and writing it up on this blog, (2020) I decided to see if I might find any info on Fanny - perhaps a picture.  How stunned I was to see that there was indeed a Fanny Crosby who was blind and a prolific hymn writer and she played the organ!  The only problem was that she was born in 1820 and died in 1915!  I was stunned!  Were we entertained by the ghost of Fanny Cosby?  I can't begin to explain this or what we experienced!  I did read the sweetest thing that Fanny once said to a minister:  "If I had been given a choice at birth, I would have asked to be blind...for when I get to Heaven, the first face I will see will be the One who died for me."

Creature Concert

 All those outspoken night creatures chanting out there! 
What ever they are, I really can't tell.  

From their chirping and whistles and frog sounding croaks,
Their whirrrs and their trills lullabying us folks.

It's a night time recital we hear going on
As we try hard to slumber till birds fill the dawn;
With a new day of concert -
A new day of song.

Oh there's much more to life than just our goings on.
Yes, there's much more to life than just our goings on.

Tales of Crows

Those big ol' crows up in the tree 

Have more to do with you and me
Than you or I would 'er suspect,
(because we haven't learned it yet.)

But I've heard tell of tales you see
Of crows who pose as still can be
To watch us - every move we make
And then their information take
To someone - who?  We do not know
Because we cannot fly like crow.

Away they go as quick can be
To tell a tale on you and me.
What they must see from way up high!
No wonder that they quickly fly!

So kids, be careful what you do.
Those big ol' crows are watching you.
And they won't keep it to themselves -
They'll fly away your story yell!
I've heard those squawks and caws of crows.
I'd love to hear how their story goes. :) 

(written while looking out of the hospital window in Evanston IL, holding our new little baby boy.)

Icycles

 

Some crystal hanging towers
From my window eves I see
With sparkling crystal beauty
Like the sun upon the sea.

Growing by the hour as 

The winter winds still freeze 

Yet the vibrant warming sun rays 

Roll the droplets down with ease.

Natures beauty flowing

       Sparkling droplets rolling

                Crystal 

                      Towers 

                    Growing

                        Winter 

                            Chills 

                             still 

                            blowing.

(Written while looking out of the hospital window in Evanston IL after Aaron's birth.)

A Speck of Sparkle

                                    

                                               I am a speck of sparkle

A gentle wind blew me from my world of no evil-

The world of encircling love and understanding-

The world without mistakes or confusion-

The world where I was a sparkle.

I am a speck of dust in a very large world.

The wind blows me from place to place

where I try to sparkle once again.

Will my world of no evil see my feeble attempt
to sparkle...so far away...so small?

Will they notice me-

a speck of dust in a very large world-

thinking of them and dusting myself off?

I am one small speck hidden in the multitude.

My sparkle fails me amidst the tall towers.

I reach up with all my might-

but still, the towers loom.

Towers of brightness

that shine upward,

losing me in their shadow.

Towers of darkness

that shower glares of disdain upon me.

They try to step on my sparkle,

to snuff it like a smoldering cinder.

I cry upward to The One with great light

to shine down upon me and illuminate

and rekindle my glow.

Why am I a small speck of dust?

Chapter Two

Towers of Brightness

I am a bright tower.

I grew from a small speck of dust

hidden in the multitude

of a very large world.

I stayed in the shadows of the bright towers.

There, I discovered that they sheltered me

from the dark towers as I stayed close and 

watched them reach upward to

The One with great light.

I listened to them and tried to be like them.

They spoke of me and the others

hidden in their shadow.

One day, The One with great light

Shined down upon us and we sparkled joyously!

We'd been found!  We were noticed!

The bright towers lifted us out of the dust.

I sorrowed as many on the edge of the

protective shadow were blown away by the

winds into the world of dark towers who

shower glares and try to snuff out light.

I rejoiced in the One with great light

and the bright towers, who lifted me upon their

shoulders and we became one!

I became part of them.

A new sparkle on the bright tower.

On their shoulders I prepared to go back.

Back to my world of no evil.

To the world of encircling love and understanding.

The world with no mistakes or confusion.

The world of The One with great light

where I was a sparkle.